A new year, a new start...

So, 2011 has been a bit of a year.  I went into the year excitedly seeking a new job, wanting to move on from being in graduate school to something new and, hopefully, better.  It has been a harder year than I expected in many ways, but I know that God is using this to grow and shape me. 

I haven't blogged since June because I felt I didn't have much to say.  I felt pretty down at times, with a lack of self confidence and self esteem.  I think that for a long time I felt that I was doing fine prior to this job but the stress of a new job where I am learning and I don't know what I am doing brought out my lack of confidence in myself but also my reliance on my own strength and abilities.  The pressure of making decisions every day, diagnosing problems (or knowing my limitations) and looking tons of things up (and realizing how I thought I was doing the right thing but wasn't quite right) is uncomfortable for me.

Because I am working with people's children, I want to do the right thing... the first time.
I want to make them feel better... and put their parents at ease.
I want to have them feel cared for and in good hands...

And I certainly know that I set too high of expectations for myself, as none of us know it all.

Maybe a little bit of it is pride in doing things "right" or "perfect" (I know I'm a perfectionist with all of its benefits and stuggles).   If people doing this job for 20-30 years still ask questions, how should I know everything after 9 months.

What I am coming back to realize that this all centers on whether I believe Jesus is who He says He is. That He is the One who, with grace and healing, allows our imperfections to be okay.

That I am loved whether I diagnose a cough or a rash right the first time or the second. Or even if a family gets frustrated by me and goes to see some one else instead.  Or if I am running behind... again.

That I am a beloved child of God so that is enough. That I don't need to come home at the end of the day and fret about the mistakes I made at work today or the mistakes I will surely make tomorrow.

That I can do my best, still striving to take excellent care of patients but knowing that I will never be perfect.  That is reserved only for Jesus and my expectations, or my yard stick of my worth, needs to be His and not mine. Mine is all notched up with things I think I should be doing well at in order to avoid possible inadequacy.  His has only one notch... to come to Him and love, trust and obey Him with all my heart. There is where I find my worth and I can rest in Him completely.

Mark 11:28-30: "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

I forget this easily, especially when I am stressed.  I know it wearies my husband that I have such a short term memory in this regard.  But, I can see that, without this job, I may have never been broken to realize my inadequacy in such a way, to realize that I can't do this myself.  So, I look forward to 2012 being a time of growth and change... of learning to trust the One who made me and to rest in His presence.